


starlight

by petrichor (thereisnoreality)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 06:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18309728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnoreality/pseuds/petrichor
Summary: Every everyday was enjoyableThe starlight starlight that poured late at nightOur beautiful timeAll rightAfter time passes later laterWe look back, that time that momentI hope you laugh like you always doWe are with youor alternatively: donghyuck's thoughts during our beautiful time





	starlight

**Author's Note:**

> this is my version of an april fool's joke... except it's not really a joke and you'll probably end up yelling at me
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> (if you haven't you should read [our beautiful time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16241147) before reading this)

 (2024, 25)

 

The second Donghyuck sees Jisung he knows with a gut wrenching certainty that he’s absolutely, completely screwed.

Mark’s apartment has always been a little bit of a safe haven for him, a sanctuary from the harshness and chill of the world outside but tonight, tonight, Donghyuck can’t help but feel scared.

Jisung shoots him an unreadable look as he’s hauled to the couch by Jaemin and Donghyuck to take a large gulp, wincing when the hot tea hits his throat, to hide his expression.

“Hey, Jisung-ah,” he says, hoping his voice sounds steady.

He can see Jisung open his mouth to answer and he hates the way his heart leaps at it. But before he can, the doorbell rings again and he’s summoned to answer it. Donghyuck’s not a dramatic person - Mark would argue otherwise - but he can’t help but feel his heartstrings try to tug him back in the opposite direction, back towards Jisung.

Jisung watches him the whole night, eyes dark and full of emotion and Donghyuck aches at having to face what’s coming. At having to watch Jisung face what’s coming. His heart hurts and he presses closer to Mark trying to soak up some of his strength.

He’d broken his promise again and again. What was one more time?

 

(2021, 22)

 

Donghyuck used to love doing the SMTown concerts. It was the chance to meet all his senior, the chance to show off a little to his juniors, the chance to meet his amazing fans again. Now, as he watches Jisung struggle to hold back tears in a little storage closet, he wonders what he loves so much about his job, that he’s willing to hurt the one person he loves more than anything in the world.

“Is it because I’m in love with you?” Jisung croaks out, his eyes filling with tears and spilling over on his cheeks. “Is it hyung? Because I can tell you, I’m not going to stop. Nothing’s going to make me change my mind.” The way Jisung twists away, the way his expression crumples. The way Donghyuck’s heart cracks under the pressure. He wonders. Was it all worth it?’

“Jisungie,” Donghyuck tries and then firmly turns Jisung back around when he protests. “You’re _not_ allowed to be in love with me do you understand?” Donghyuck says hoping his voice sounds firm, hoping it doesn’t sound like he’s about to shatter apart in this tiny closet. Jisung opens his mouth to protest and Donghyuck shushes him, pressing a finger to his lips. It burns his skin and the cracks in Donghyuck’s heart widen, deepen. “Don’t interrupt your hyung.” Donghyuck says, trying in earnest to keep a hold on his sanity. If he lets go of his grip on himself, even for a second, he’s going to end up crying as well and that sure as hell won’t help the problem. “I’m not letting you ruin your entire career over something as silly as me. You’re not going to go through the same thing Mark hyung did because of me. I won’t do that to you.” _I won’t be the person who ruins you._

Jisung’s argument is pleaded, desperate, and his eyes shine with so much sincerity and pain that Donghyuck is tempted to pull him close, hold him in his arms, even if it’s just for a second. One second is all he needs. One second.

“I made you a promise,” is what he says instead. Instead of begging Jisung for forgiveness. Instead of taking all his cruel words back. “And I’m going to stick to it.” The promise. Watching Jisung’s eyes light up as he fed him in a smoky bbq restaurant. Watching his face crinkle into the prettiest smile. Watching and knowing with all his heart that he’d do anything to protect this boy.

One second. Donghyuck crumples. Gives in. Holds Jisung close and stretches up to brush a kiss onto his cheek. One second.

Donghyuck closes his eyes. Breathes him in. Summons the strength to pull away. One second.

One second.

 

(2021, 22)

 

Donghyuck stares down at his phone, wincing when the glare of the sun reflects off the glass and hits him in the eye.

“Hyuck,” Johnny bounds down the hallway, feet thumping loudly despite the plush carpet and throws and arm around his shoulders. “We’re going to be late, what are you doing?”

Donghyuck takes a second to look away from his phone, the untouched contact screen staring accusingly back at him. “I was-” he starts, before looking up at Johnny’s gaze, which is far too knowing for Donghyuck to feel comfortable. “Jisung’s music video just released.”

“Yeah, we all watched it,” Johnny says, wrinkling his nose. “Can you believe that brat had the audacity to grow up and do so well?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says, blinking down at his phone. He can’t cry. Not when they have three interviews back to back for the next hour and then a swell of TV filming over the next week. Crying would only bloat his face in a semi-permanent way. “The audacity.”

There’s a beat of silence and then Johnny’s arm tightens around his. “Go call him, I’ll buy you some time.”

“Call him? Hyung I can’t-”

“You should,” Johnny interrupts. “Listen to your hyung, Donghyuck-ah. You should go call him and tell him he did well. He’d appreciate it if it came from you.”

Call him? Donghyuck stares blindly back down at his phone as Johnny frog marches him towards his room and pushes him in, shutting the door behind him. How many times had he picked up his phone with the intention to call? How many times had he stared at Jisung’s face, eyes crinkled up, nose wrinkled, smiling up at him from the home screen of his phone, dreaming of what it would have been like if he hadn’t left? How many times had he wondered if Jisung had moved on, found someone new, someone better?

Donghyuck swallows and sinks down onto Johnny’s bed, clutching the sheets for reassurance as he clicks on the phone icon by Jisung’s face, his hand shaking a little as he brings it up to his ear.

There’s four rings and then a click and it goes to voicemail. Donghyuck takes a wavering breath breath not knowing if he’s more grateful for having gotten Jisung’s voicemail or not. “He-Hey Jisung-ah,” Donghyuck says hoping his voice doesn’t sound as shaky as he feels. “Congratulations on your debut. I know it’s a little late, but I still don’t know the time difference and I didn’t want to miss it. I watched the music video.” Watched it? He’d practically memorised it. He knew every look, every expression Jisung had sent the camera, every angle of his dance moves. Had burned the shape of Jisung’s smile into the forefront of his mind. “You look so grown up.” Donghyuck takes a breath, his eyes starting to burn with tears and he clears his throat to keep going. You did so well, Jisung-ah. Hyung really is so, so, _incredibly_ proud of you.”

 _More proud than I can even say_ . From outside the room, Donghyuck can hear his manager yelling and Johnny’s panicked excuses and he rolls his eyes, despite the tears blurring his vision. He clears his throat again. “I have to go now, but really Jisung-ah, you did amazing, you’re going to _be_ amazing. Remember, hyung will always support you. I lo- um - I’ll always be there for you.”

Donghyuck clicks off and throws his phone across the bed. Love? Was he insane? “Oh my god,” Donghyuck moans, burying his face in his hands. “Why the fuck did I say that?”

The door opens. “Uh, Hyuck? We gotta go.”

Donghyuck looks up, crying freely now and he can barely make out Johnny’s shocked expression through the tears. “I told him I loved him,” he whispers, voice cracking halfway through the sentence. “I’m such an idiot, hyung.

“Oh, Hyuck-ah,” Johnny sighs and sits down next to him, rubbing Donghyuck’s arm.

“I should have never left,” Donghyuck says, staring down at the carpeted floor. “It was the worst decision I ever made - leaving him behind.”

“Well,” Johnny says, and pulls him up gently, throwing an arm around his shoulder again. “You can’t do anything about that now, can you? Come on, stop crying, we’ve got a job to go do.”

Donghyuck sniffs, hurriedly wiping his face off before his manager can see. “Yeah, okay.”

“It’s going to be alright, Hyuck-ah,” Johnny murmurs as they walk to the elevators. “Everything works itself out in the end.”

Donghyuck lets Johnny hold him up, leaning his full weight on his body and scrubs at his cheeks. He’s got a job to do and he can’t afford to be seen crying. “Yeah,” he whispers, voice cracking, another rush of shame filling him when he thinks of Jisung listening to the voicemail. “Yeah, I know.”

Everything would work out in the end. For now, he just had to stop crying and get back to work.

 

(2022, 23)

 

It’s a stupid mistake. It really is.

Donghyuck knows the second he does it, he shouldn’t have. That it’ll hurt Jisung more than anything else he’s done will. But he does it anyway. Because Jisung is there. He’s beautiful, with his lips chapped and bitten to the quick, and his eyes are so full of emotion, like they never were when he was younger, so used to hiding his feelings to shoulder the world, and he’s shivering a little in the cold air. But he’s _there_. He’s closer than he’s been in a very long time and Donghyuck has always been so weak for him.

He looks at Jisung, in the pale morning light, the night after winning their first daesang, and he looks and looks. And then looking isn’t enough, he needs more, as he always does with Jisung. And he kisses him.

Holds Jisung’s hands in his own, pulls them to his chest and kisses him like he deserves to be kissed. Jisung makes a sound, almost a gasp and - and - kisses him back. Donghyuck feels his chest grow tight, the threat of tears building up in his throat. Jisung’s kissing him, even after all this time. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve it at all. Not when all he’s done is hurt and pull away and retreat. He doesn’t deserve it. But it’s the best feeling in the world.

Donghyuck tightens his hands around Jisung’s and pulls him close, deepening the kiss, just for a second before pulling away.

It was a mistake. Jisung’s hurt eyes glare at him in accusation before slamming the patio door behind him. A stupid mistake.

Donghyuck would do it all over again.

 

Isn’t he cruel?

 

(2019, 20)

 

Jisung’s asleep.

Donghyuck takes his time, slowly tracing out Jisung’s tiny features, his fingers hovering just over Jisung’s skin, trying not to touch, but wanting to so badly at the same time. He’s so young and so full of life and the fact that he chose Donghyuck to love, out of all people, astounds him.

Jisung makes a soft noise as Donghyuck’s pointer finger brushes his nose. He scrunches his nose and burrows deeper into Donghyuck’s chest, thankfully still asleep. Donghyuck can’t help the fond smile that spreads across his face and he wraps his other arm gently around Jisung, holding him close.

It’s one of those afternoons where they have nothing to do and Donghyuck can honestly think of nothing better than spending the next few hours staring at Jisung, drinking in his face, and trying to commit it to memory.

He slumps further into the bed and draws the blankets up around them, an unnameable warmth and fondness spreading through him when Jisung curls tighter into his hold. He thinks of the thing he’d told Jisung a few months ago, pressed into the back of the couch with Jisung in his arms.

 _I’m never going to leave you_ , Donghyuck thinks, pressing his lips to Jisung’s forehead. _I promise, Jisung-ah. I’ll never leave you._

**Author's Note:**

> don't hate me too much ♡
> 
>  
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_donghyuck_)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hyxcheis)


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